imcheena@blogspot
020590
A little something you need to know about me is that I hate people who talk to me as if they know me.
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020590 A little something you need to know about me is that I hate people who talk to me as if they know me.
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Trauma & Guidance
Saturday, February 2, 2008 @ 8:48 AM Yesterday at work, the atmosphere starts to change when I got so tensed up about schedule. You cant make me work like a slave when you pay me like tiny winy. Im not a full timer but you still make me work like one. I told you in the nicest way that I cannot make it this weekend cos I wanted to be there for someone to celebrate a special day for him/her. But you took it lightly & told me that, that person can come down to Sentosa & wait for me to finish work before I can go celebrate. I hold my tears because thats very mean & evil. I worked like everyday & the least that you can do is make my day by letting me off tomorrow. I took the initiative to draw out the schedule nicely for the better convenience of everyone working there, but I didnt know it made us (me, particularly) feel worst. Ok, you win, you managed to make me work tomorrow but making me work everyday? Im gonna talk about this at work today to someone cos I need to have time for myself & school. Mom's angry cos I spend so much time at work that when I come back, I dont do my chores anymore. She starts nagging the moment I start telling her how tired I am. She starts nagging about things like I didnt contribute anything to the house, I didnt pay anything to everything in the house. Mummy, Im working for you if you need to know. I dont want you to be working alone trying to get meals set on the table every dinner. I want to save up the money you saved in my account but I was not matured then to spend all of it. I want to pay back. I know Im such a disappointment that I couldnt make it to Poly for the 2nd time & I know how much you want Grandma to be here for you. I know how shameful for you to face your friends, & family, cos most of their children did well. Better than me. None expected me to be what I am right now. Daddy, how I could tell you I missed you so much. I suddenly realised how much you mean to me after what happened at work yesterday. Im sorry if I only looked up to you when I needed cash for things or school. Im sorry if you always had to remind me to come back home early & check whether Bro's at home. Im sorry if you always had to force me to go to Bro's school whenever he forgets something. Im very sorry if Im such a disappointment the other day when I got myself landed in hospital & making you settle the bill alone because you didnt want Mummy to start nagging about this matter. I know I did wrong but I didnt expect you guys to ended up this way. Every one of my friends atleast know how their parents met or how they got married be it from love or parents decision. Me? I only know how much you guys went through when I have to find out myself. & dealing with this alone has affected so much of my health and social life that I admit I still have trauma when it comes to talking about families or relationship. Knowing your truth & ending my relationship at the same time was a major break down for me. I stayed strong & appeared 'nothings-wrong-with-me' infront of everyone. But whenever I reach home or Im alone or taking a bath, I'll cry cry cry. I feel that everything happens because of me. Im not ready for anything now, I just need guidance to lead me to somewhere better. |